A gift from Myra

Martha Stewart - She was a little habit I got into while I was nesting. She always wants to make things good and bueatiful. And she bosses people around, and they listen. And she did time. Is anyone surprised there still is a bit of me that wants to be her when I grow up?

Amazon - I have a really long wishlist on it. :P

French Artillery Green - this is the exact color of my eyes based off of a jar of model paint. It is also the color of one quarter of my wardrobe (half is black and the last quarter is various other colors)

Ankle - I sprained it once while heading out the door to go to Vegas for the closing of Star Trek the Experience. There are some which would have gimped back up stairs and dealt with the injury. Nope. Not me. I went off to Vegas. It still hurts sometimes...

Uber Boot - I have 2! the most expensive pair of shoes I will probably ever own. They were made for me, super comfy and just make going off to play that much cooler. And I only paid for a sixth of them. Huh, I wonder if I set out an old Doc Marten it will magically fill with money...

So, here we are in Portland (oregon).
For those not keeping track, Chet had the idea to drive up here and surprise Christina and Loki for Thanksgiving. He conspired with Carter (her live-in boyfriend) to make sure everything we good. We left on Wedneday morning at 3 AM. I drove until we hit Redding at about 11, Chet tried to get some sleep in the back of my car. He drove the rest of the way.
And surprise was achieved.
But because this is my LJ, I will, of course, do my whining here like the bitchy teenager I seem to have become recently.
I'm hiding in the guest room at the moment. There are currently 9 adults here and 2 4 year-old boys. I am overwhelmed and freaking out a little. The boys have been running around and screaming, there's football and people I don't know. I have gotten worse with crowds. I was never good at people to begin with, and, being out of work, I've been much more isolated. There's been discussion of work, which makes me sad. I feel very much like a failure. Lots of talk about babies too, which brings up all sorts of wildly conflicting emotions: fear, disappointment, and again with the failure.
Its been interesting listening to the little bits of converstation that filter in as they finish up dinner and watch football.
Being an only child doesn't help. Holidays are usually very quite affairs, and I like that.
Also, I'm a lousy guest. I can host pretty well, I throw a mean dinner party, but shy away from helping (not my terriorty to mess with things) and I have a hard time with too many people and too much chaos.
It seems that dinner is finially done and so I go.

Oy, I hate housecleaning.
I really hate vacuuming the stairs.  Pain in the ass.  Note to self: no carpet on stairs ever!  Chet thinks carpeting is an abomination as it is, so someday this just might not be an issue.  I'm neutral on flooring in general.  I needs to look good with the decor, but I'm more about ease of cleaning and how much damage it can take.  Thus pergo shall win when the day comes.
We're talking about a smaller place when the lease is up here.  We should be able to get closer to his work for less money if we downsize.  Oh how I dread it.  Two only childern living together need their spaces and one of us will have to give up theirs, if not both.  It would be nice to have less to clean.  Also, Chet and I feel more distant since his office and the den (where I usually am) aren't within shouting distnce.  In the old place, we could yell down or up to the loft.  Anyway, we're just going to need cheaper.
I generally like not working, but Virgina Woolf was right, a woman needs a bit of her own money.  That's the part that kills me.  I really need a little mad money and I know it would relax Chet if I could take some of the finical burden off of him.  Subbing would be perfect.  Stupid state.
Didn't exersice today, rest day.  Didn't check wieght/ BMI either.  Had French bread with Nutella for breakfast (not letting the bread go to waste), going to have soup for lunch.
Last nights paella was an improvment, but still needs... something.  Chet managed to ruin the Paella pan by leaving water in it over night.  Easily replaced the next time I want to try it again.
And thus ends today's rambling.

( emo! )

( Emo blah blah blah emo )

So, my unexpected trip to Maryland comes to a close. Tomorrow I head back to Cali and, as is often the case, I don't wanna. I want to ship everyone closer to here and find a nice place around Balimore or DC. I miss the green.
Yesterday I took myself of a little drive and ended up at Pickering Creek Nature Perserve. It was so quiet - there was only the wind, bugs and birds. And it smelled so good.
The memorial service for Trevor was bueatiful and Kelly is doing as well as can be expected. She came over for dinner last night. And we able to hold converstaion about Trevor without falling apart (though tearing and choking on occation). She devestated but not dead. I'm really hoping I can convince Chet to come here for Christmas.
anyway, I should get myself showered and moving.

Planning.
Fuck it.
No plan I make works out. Any effort for the future I make is pointless. It doesn't work. It sours, turns, vanishes. Yeah, I don't try hard enough, but its getting silly.
I'm going to take it one day at a time. Any furthering of my education will be for my own interests - no 'useful' degrees or education or anything.
Short term. That's it.

What's got me thinking of this (more than usual) is the death of a baby. I'd gotten him a book on the States, finding nothing that I liked for his age. I figured he'd need it eventually. Not so it turns out. future just wiped out.

My useless teaching credential is in there too. There's not even subbing out there.
And cleaning out my college notes. Nothing but failed futures, lots of little immedate sucesses.

I will take things as they come. Make efforts to help out the immediate future.
I'm sick of preparing for a future that may not come. So very weighted down by the failure of plans past.

And that's enough emo-ing for the moment.

Trevor James Ulrich left this plane of existance at 7:33 PM, Eastern. Aged 10 months.
Some of you may remember him as the star of the Cutest Baby Picture Ever.
And it will always be.
I'm planning on going back for the funeral.

Date:	2009-09-03 16:00
Subject:	deep sadness
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

first the semi-awful news, mostly because it doesn't compare to the bad. I've talked to 3 districts (including the one I already put an application in for) and left messages with 4 more - and they aren't hiring subs.
WTF

But the bad news is just damn tragic that it makes that look trival. My best friend from high school, Kelly, is losing her 10 month old Trevor. The details have gotten completely jumbled in my head - there was vomiting, blocked airways and cardiac arrest. I got a text from Kelly (sent to many, I'm sure) that he was brain dead and they were going to Childern's Hospital in DC to say good-bye. Oh, it just hurts so much. We was sweet and lively and a such a character. I can't imagine how Kelly's feeling.
I just don't understand.
And, just to remind me, life is so deeply not fair.

I don't think this applies to anything at hte moment, but it has before...

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I am back from Maryland and making a real post. Gasp!
Coming back to CA is hard, this time more than usual. While reporting the general abssymal state of my affairs wasn't fun, there was a lot of comforting in seeing old friends and family. Yes, actual family. By shear senedipity I mangaged to schedule this trip in time for the yearly family reunion. It was a good time and I won the prize for the farthest distance traveled. There were a bunch of little kids too, which is good because I remember disliking these things as a kid because it was all old people.
That was another thing about this trip: lots of babies. My best friend from childhood, Kelly, had a baby and Trevor and I played a good bit. Cutest. damn. baby. ever. And my biological clock has gone off. Snooze, damn you!
Put in a few job applications while I was there too (huzzah the internet!). I will speak no more of this.
I've had migraines going and coming, so I think I need a barometer or somesuch. Weather changes seem to trigger them.
We had thunderstorms and rain while I was there. Oh, that was nice.
Mom and I went to Rehobeth Beach in Deleware to hit the outlets. I made out like a bandit and mom was pleased by what it cost her. Then we went down to the beach, just sit on the boardwalk a bit and look at the Atlantic. We pulled into park and there it was: Thrashers French Fries. O M G. I don't think I've had those in 10 years and there were as good as I remember.
What pains me the most about returning is the green. Its so paved over here; harsh and smoggy. Maryland is green, open and old. I love the age of the place. I miss the water more than I realized too.
And that's enough with the steam of semi-consiousness....

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And made me giggle...


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... yes

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( doing some digging )

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She's such a cute little old lady!

Date:	2009-06-24 12:22
Subject:	Melancholy and the Infinate Anness...
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy

( lots of whining underneath )

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